Top 25 Facts About Facebook
The hugely successful social network may soon go public. So as a public service to potential investors, let’s learn more about Mark Zuckerberg’s company with the top 25 facts about Facebook.
1. It’s successfully replaced “a pair of binoculars and a windowless van” as the most effective way to ruthlessly stalk women.
2. Mark Zuckerberg invented it after racking his brain for the most effective way for self-involved d-bags to give the world a peak into their pathetic, worthless lives.
3. The janitor at their headquarters looks A LOT like that “Tom” dude from MySpace.
4. It’s effectively removed any excuse for forgetting the birthdays of the coworkers we spend 40 hours a week silently loathing.
5. As of 8:00 A.M. today, a game of “Words with Friends” still has yet to be played by someone with real-life friends.
6. It played a huge role in democracy coming to the Middle East in the Arab Spring. But tragically, it also played a huge role in the success of Rebecca Black.
7. Keeping a dead person’s page up is the “2012” version of creeping everyone out with an open casket.
8. Apparently, our receptionist is convinced it was conceived specifically for her to post pictures of her cat dressed as a fireman.
9. Since inventing it, Mark Zuckerberg has been desperate trying to live up to the high standards set by other “Time” Men of the Year, like Joseph Stalin and Adolf Hitler.
10. Trust me: All of your friends would immediately kill themselves if you didn’t treat them to riveting hourly updates like “Eating some mac and cheese, yo! LOL!!!”
11. It TOTALLY doesn’t invade your privacy. And if you question that again, please enjoy having all your bank accounts instantly drained.
12. It’s a great way to keep in touch with people you don’t really want to keep in touch with.
13. It’s a fun way to reconnect with old classmates. And also find out if they’re fat or gay.
14. Even though your status says “single,” we all know it really means “lonely.”
15. Whenever you “like” something, nobody gives a crap.
16. To find out the number of REAL friends you have, take the number of Facebook friends you have and then subtract the number of Facebook friends you have.
17. When you log into Facebook, if you listen very closely, you can hear the sound of your life being completely wasted.
18. No matter how many flirty comments you leave on the wall of that cute girl from work, she will still not have sex with you.
19. Mark Zuckerberg created Facebook as part of his secret plan to make everyone as socially awkward as he is.
20. If Facebook isn’t completely redesigned once every three months, the world will spin off its axis and crash into the sun.
21. Your mom just joined and she saw that photo of you wearing leather at the Gay Pride Parade.
22. It’s done more damage to productivity than all wars and disease combined.
23. It was invented to make sure you can never fully get over your ex.
24. Since they work at Facebook, employees don’t really have a good way to waste time during the day.
25. Nobody attended the company Christmas party, since the event invitation went out through Facebook and everyone ignored it.